happy to be independent…less

Sometimes you forget that as a mother of a newborn your leash is pretty short. Your independence instantly becomes very limited as your life is suddenly chopped into 3 hour increments, and everything from showering to grocery shopping becomes a race against the clock.

We celebrated a very quiet Fourth today. No fireworks, no patriotic food (well, we did eat a watermelon–does that count?), no red, white and blue outfits on the kids. BUT. I did get dressed, which is kind of a big deal when you consider that just putting on a bra this past week was a triumph.  And I did take a moment to appreciate how blessed we are to enjoy independence here in the good old US of A. Just now I took that moment so I could write that sentence honestly.

Before I say anything else I want to say THANK YOU for all your kind, supportive, loving and helpful comments. It just feels inadequate to say that I really appreciated all that love.  It feels so good to find out that  I’m surrounded by so many who care, as well as so many who have gone through similar things. Thank you so much for your support! In addition to all you across the web, I’ve had so much help from friends, family and neighbors.  I’ve had the help of my mama and mother-in-law which is worth its weight in diapers (can you guys just move in??)

As already indicated by the fact that I hardly stepped out of my pajamas this week, I’ll tell you honestly that it’s been one of the more challenging weeks of my life.  From feeding her (which has been pretty stressful trying to find a bottle that would work for her, although I think we finally struck gold with the Haberman) to pumping (which is so much harder than I ever thought simply because of the TIME and DISH WASHING involved), to sleep deprivation (she has mistakenly thought that 11:00 pm to 3 am was the perfect time to be awake), to meeting the needs of my two other kids, and most especially, dealing emotionally with all the what-ifs and unknowns concerning her cleft and any associated problems there could be. I’ve gotten to the point where I just don’t want to learn a single thing more about the possible associated problems like hearing loss, heart problems or brain and spinal defects, because emotionally I just fall apart when I let my mind imagine those possibilities. We think there might be partial hearing loss, but really we don’t know anything yet. We’re meeting with her team of specialists tomorrow for the first time, so hopefully all goes well.

Despite all the challenges, I am so grateful to be a mother again. There is something so sacred about a newborn–they’re so close to heaven it feels like.  I cherish the many sweet moments I have with my little baby girl–you can’t beat a baby’s sweet smell and peachy-soft skin.  If anything, the challenges we’ve faced with Tiny’s birth have just made me savor even more the preciousness of  my children and what it means to be a Mama.

On another semi-superficial note: I really really really really want to buy another camera. I’m already mourning the fact that we don’t have any really good pictures of Tiny or her birth, and I’m afraid that time will not heal my wound. Can we afford another camera? Well that depends on how you look at it (doesn’t it always?!:) We have a category in our budget of $$$ that we’ve mad via our websites etc., and there’s enough there to buy a decent point and shoot. However, when you’re living on student loans (as we are), and you’re about to have some hefty medical bills, there’s really no such thing as excess.

ON THE OTHER HAND (thanks Tevia), I’ll never be able to go back once we do have the money, and document this fleeting time properly.

But on the OTHER hand, how can I justify spending $$ when our future is so up in the air?? (My husband is soon to graduate with his Master’s and is currently hunting for a job in Mechanical Engineering–got any connections??)

AND, is there even a point and shoot out there that would fit the bill? This I don’t know. I want something that will take decent photos without a flash, and has a quick shutter speed so as to catch my not-so-stationary kids. And it has to be able to record video. Would I be wasting my money with a point and shoot? Should I just wait wait wait and make do until I can buy the DSLR of my dreams? Why oh WHY did someone have to steal our camera?! Ah, these are a few of the questions that plague my mind when I’m trying to fall asleep at 5 am.

Well, my little baby girl has finally cured me of my awful staying-up-late habit (although temporarily I’m sure), and I’ve got to make like a tree, and get out of here. Night friends!

11 Comments

Irina Cline

Miriam, Travis and I would LOVE to take some photos of your family. Let me know if you feel like it (or when you feel like it) and we’ll schedule a nice photoshoot. 🙂

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Miriam

Irina!! Oh my goodness, the THOUGHT of having a nice photo shoot with you guys makes me giddy! That would be AMAZING..

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jen

hey mim….with regards to the camera…we just bought a new digital one for the same reason…we wanted to capture the first gurgles of our (soon-to-be) newborn and had nothing! We are also pretty poor (partner is just finishing his masters and i am a stay at home mum), and in a similar place in life it seems :o) Anyway we bought a fab little camera, recommended in various forums and through Choice (Australia’s consumer watchdog product tester). It is called The Canon Powershit SX210 IS, and you can get in the US (on ebay it retails new for around US$220). Of course it isn’t as fabulous as getting your dream camera but that’s what a husband in work in the future is for!! But we have been really pleased with the quality of it! I would say get something cheapish but functional now and in a couple of years upgrade to the dream. In my experience with little kids camera’s get pretty trashed pretty quickly anyway :o) My only other suggestion is could you get a camera company or store to “sponsor” you by giving you a freeby or cheap camera in return for your advertising for them free on here???
As for the rest of your post, girl, i still struggle to get out of my pj’s and tame my cockatoo hair most mornings, and my “baby”is 3.5, so you are doing well! I feel for you with the expressing, it really does make you feel like a cow hey? And you can literally feel your energy (and brains i might add) draining out of you along with the milk!! But you are doing a stellar job girl, well done :o)
Hope tomorrow goes well, thinking of you, jen xxx (night mooing tree girl!)

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Sam

I shoot with a Nikon D40 and LOVE it, but Nikon doesn’t make them any more (it was their entry-level DSLR when we bought it). I know for sure that our local camera carries used D40s for cheap – have you thought about a used one? I’ve been getting nice lenses and a sweet flash as birthday and Christmas gifts for a couple of years. When I can, I’m going to buy a better Nikon camera body (I’m talking to you, D90), and I’ll already have all these lenses and a flash I can use with it.

Get the camera, even if it just a point and shoot – you’ll regret it if you don’t! You could even look for a used point and shoot at a camera store. I know our camera store’s prices are usually even cheaper than Amazon.

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Jacque Holloway

Hey Mim-
Just remember you are doing the most important job in the world and you mean the world to your children. Hang in there you are a supermom in my eyes!

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Miriam

Thanks Jacque–maybe in a few weeks I’ll come out of my cave and make an appearance at the park or something:) We should connect.

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mekei

cameras i don’t know. but i do know having babies. sooo why were you even thinking about getting out of your pajamas. you just take your time and let your body heal now. that baby will need you. she’s so cute. may you all be blessed. and congrats on getting dressed – but don’t make it a habit just yet. i wish i was close to bring you a big pile of paper plates!!!!

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Miriam

Mekei your comment made me laugh out loud. Maybe you’re right–maybe I should just focus on getting that bra on and that’s enough! And don’t worry, my mama provided me with the biggest mountain of paper products you’ve ever seen.

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Melissa

Thanks for the update, Mim. I can really feel your pain! My son had a couple problems when he was born and more that developed later. Now he is a happy, healthy 5-year-old with nothing more than the usual scrapes and bumps that seem to breed on little boys. I look back and marvel at how those little bodies can change and heal so much. It seems those first few years are pretty plastic, and with the right intervention and a good mom like you, many childhood ailments can become distant memories. I’m hoping that this is the case with your little Harper.

I went though a lot of postpartum depression with both my kids. I’m always around if you want to talk. Sylvia knows how to get a hold of me. Hang in there and get some sleep! 🙂

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Emily Balling

Mim,

Isn’t it almost awful but wonderful to finally wear, a very heavy, bra!! Congrats to you for getting dressed.

I am so happy for the simple and wonderful fourth of July you enjoyed, with that newborn peach.

I love the sentiment, smells and feelings you described of being a Mama of a newborn, and just plain Mama.

It sounds like life has truly been a rollercoaster of emotion and change, but how amazing you’ve taken it all.

I am so glad to hear about the charity of someone giving you a camera, life is so good! 🙂

And I am even more glad to hear of the blessings of Harper’s condition.

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