Sometimes you forget that as a mother of a newborn your leash is pretty short. Your independence instantly becomes very limited as your life is suddenly chopped into 3 hour increments, and everything from showering to grocery shopping becomes a race against the clock.
We celebrated a very quiet Fourth today. No fireworks, no patriotic food (well, we did eat a watermelon–does that count?), no red, white and blue outfits on the kids. BUT. I did get dressed, which is kind of a big deal when you consider that just putting on a bra this past week was a triumph. And I did take a moment to appreciate how blessed we are to enjoy independence here in the good old US of A. Just now I took that moment so I could write that sentence honestly.
Before I say anything else I want to say THANK YOU for all your kind, supportive, loving and helpful comments. It just feels inadequate to say that I really appreciated all that love. It feels so good to find out that I’m surrounded by so many who care, as well as so many who have gone through similar things. Thank you so much for your support! In addition to all you across the web, I’ve had so much help from friends, family and neighbors. I’ve had the help of my mama and mother-in-law which is worth its weight in diapers (can you guys just move in??)
As already indicated by the fact that I hardly stepped out of my pajamas this week, I’ll tell you honestly that it’s been one of the more challenging weeks of my life. From feeding her (which has been pretty stressful trying to find a bottle that would work for her, although I think we finally struck gold with the Haberman) to pumping (which is so much harder than I ever thought simply because of the TIME and DISH WASHING involved), to sleep deprivation (she has mistakenly thought that 11:00 pm to 3 am was the perfect time to be awake), to meeting the needs of my two other kids, and most especially, dealing emotionally with all the what-ifs and unknowns concerning her cleft and any associated problems there could be. I’ve gotten to the point where I just don’t want to learn a single thing more about the possible associated problems like hearing loss, heart problems or brain and spinal defects, because emotionally I just fall apart when I let my mind imagine those possibilities. We think there might be partial hearing loss, but really we don’t know anything yet. We’re meeting with her team of specialists tomorrow for the first time, so hopefully all goes well.
Despite all the challenges, I am so grateful to be a mother again. There is something so sacred about a newborn–they’re so close to heaven it feels like. I cherish the many sweet moments I have with my little baby girl–you can’t beat a baby’s sweet smell and peachy-soft skin. If anything, the challenges we’ve faced with Tiny’s birth have just made me savor even more the preciousness of my children and what it means to be a Mama.
On another semi-superficial note: I really really really really want to buy another camera. I’m already mourning the fact that we don’t have any really good pictures of Tiny or her birth, and I’m afraid that time will not heal my wound. Can we afford another camera? Well that depends on how you look at it (doesn’t it always?!:) We have a category in our budget of $$$ that we’ve mad via our websites etc., and there’s enough there to buy a decent point and shoot. However, when you’re living on student loans (as we are), and you’re about to have some hefty medical bills, there’s really no such thing as excess.
ON THE OTHER HAND (thanks Tevia), I’ll never be able to go back once we do have the money, and document this fleeting time properly.
But on the OTHER hand, how can I justify spending $$ when our future is so up in the air?? (My husband is soon to graduate with his Master’s and is currently hunting for a job in Mechanical Engineering–got any connections??)
AND, is there even a point and shoot out there that would fit the bill? This I don’t know. I want something that will take decent photos without a flash, and has a quick shutter speed so as to catch my not-so-stationary kids. And it has to be able to record video. Would I be wasting my money with a point and shoot? Should I just wait wait wait and make do until I can buy the DSLR of my dreams? Why oh WHY did someone have to steal our camera?! Ah, these are a few of the questions that plague my mind when I’m trying to fall asleep at 5 am.
Well, my little baby girl has finally cured me of my awful staying-up-late habit (although temporarily I’m sure), and I’ve got to make like a tree, and get out of here. Night friends!